Oh hey!

So it’s been a while, and I’ve been slacking like a boss.  I believe the last one of these atrocities I dropped on the world was back when Magic: Origins was the new set, and then Cass’s life went pear shaped and Dave had a baby and GenCon happened and I bought a house and then it’s February and I still haven’t even said anything snarky about the Experience Counter Debacle of 2015.  Let’s start to fix that, shall we?

Since this is way overdue, I’m pretty clear about the fact that I’m not going to tell you anything that you haven’t already figured out, so let’s dispense with the typical formatting of Most Obvious, How Does it Compare, and Most Interesting.  Instead, let’s focus on What You Did, What You Could Have Done, and What You Should Have Done.  That won’t be annoying or anything.  Is everyone ready for something pedantic?  Do you know what the word “condescending” means? Time to Mr.Psplain the new toys!

Also – since I’m lazy as well as pithy and snarky, let’s do this in three parts!  Here’s part one!

Battle For Zendikar

Drana 2

Drana 2.0

-What You Did With It

You made Vampires tribal. Nice one.

-What You Could Have Done With It

I’m pretty sure “+1/+1 Counters Matter” is a theme that’s been absolutely beaten into the ground, and usually those decks have Green in them.  Still, have you considered Oona’s Blackguard and a bunch of Shadow guys, maybe with a side of Geth’s Grimoire to back it up? Delightful!

-What You Should Have Done With It

Are you a Reddit celebrity? Do you want to be?  Do you like card pet names? Do you like acronyms?

OK!  Time to break the internets with your tight card pet names!  Everyone likes that! Prepare to be worshipped far and wide when you turn Drana sideways and announce, in your best Booming Wizard Voice, “Swing with D-LOM!”  Ka-pow! D-LOM is in the house, baby!  How you would like the D…LOM? Oh dang!

(For bonus value, consider also running Kalitas, Bloodchief of Ghet aka K-BOG as well. In with K-BOG! Ha! K-BOG kills your stupid Worldspine Wurm and makes a huge friend! K-BOG doesn’t fly, because it doesn’t need to!  So what if it costs 100000 mana?  When D-LOM and K-BOG hit the scene, it’s T-I-G-H-T!)

FruMunda

Red White Ally Guy

-What You Did With It

Read it. Realized it was a whole lot worse than you thought it was because it doesn’t put the Allies in hand. Moved on.

-What You Could Have Done With It

Some linear Generals are boring because they’re ubiquitous and all the same. Other linear Generals are boring and unplayable. Welcome to category B.

-What You Should Have Done With It

Ok, so this guy is 100% Kratos from the God of War games. Look at that art! He even has the dual blade things! I know that the Theoretical Mythology deck is Black/Green (or at least it was back like four years ago when I tried to convince Cass on Dear Azami to port someone’s terrible Sisters of Stone Death deck into a terrible “mythology” themed deck), but who cares! Time to make a Mythology deck, or more specifically, a God of War deck!

This is an awful idea on a lot of levels, not the least of which is that if you’ve ever played the God of War games, you probably understand that there has most likely never been a character in popular culture who is less interested in camaraderie and friendship than Kratos, which really kills the whole vibe of playing a bunch of crappy Allies. Still, if you are still ready for this, why not give it a go with a bunch of Theros block “mythology” themed rubbish fleshed out with a bunch of terrible allies, because why not?

I can’t see what could possibly go wrong with this deck idea.

FishyGuy

White Blue Fishy Fishy

-What You Did With It

Read it. Realized it was less good than Talrand, Sky Summoner. Moved on.

-What You Could Have Done With It

Oh what, no love for Terra Eternal? Who can handle an indestructible Land-based beatdown? Probably no one you’ve ever met!

-What You Should Have Done With It

Combo deck! Play this guy! Animate six lands, one of which is Boseiju, Who Shelters All! Play Soul Warden! Play Intruder Alarm! Play Dovescape! Boom! Now you can Capsize With Buyback everything, make infinite Birds, and bore the table to death! You did it!

OmnathNewjpg

Omnath, Your New “Lands Deck” General

-What You Did With It

You built a “Lands Deck.”  Actually, you retooled your Titania, Protector of Argoth “Lands Deck” to have 100% more colors.  You loaded up on every possible Fetchland effect ever printed, causing the price of Mountain Valley to surge and break the Internet.  Congratulations, new Hero of the Magic Finance Community!

-What You Could Have Done With It

Probably something involving Elementals that Die A Lot, right? Is the moment where Generator Servant becomes an EDH staple? Can we get all the crappy Lorwyn-block guys over for a Rager? Sounds tight!

-What You Should Have Done With It

Since this article is going long, prepare yourself for a lot of crappy Theme Deck ideas. Can we make the ‘Rage’ Deck a thing? Off the top, I’ve got Rage Reflection, the dude from Morningtide who makes your Shamans Oh So Angry (Rage Forger – ED), Urza’s Rage, Burning Anger, Anger, Hostility, and a bunch of other junk that has words like “hate” and “spite” and “saltiness” attached to it. This deck sounds angry. Get on it.

Newlamog

Newlamog

-What You Did With It

Possibly you built around it. More likely you put it in your Mayael the Anima, Rakdos, Lord of Riots, Animar, Soul of Elements, or whatever deck and then wondered what the problem was. Welcome to the party.

-What You Could Have Done With It

The lack of actual Annihilator on this thing doesn’t make me like it any more, but it does make me feel a lot less bad about cloning it. This format is fun, right?

-What You Should Have Done With It

Traded it to Modern players.  Good lord.

GoblinDouche

Radiate Goblin Douche

-What You Did With It

A bunch of tokens and Brute Force? Titan’s Strength? Crimson Wisps? Fatal Frenzy for the gosh-darn win?

It’s not like this is difficult, y’all.

-What You Could Have Done With It

That’s a great question! Nice one!

-What You Should Have Done With It

So I know this is still a sensitive subject after what happened two weeks ago, but did you know that you can run Urborg, Tomb Of Yawgmoth in every EDH deck? Also, have you read Kormus Bell recently? Do you hate everyone? Ok!

So, sure, you can cast Goblin Offensive and then Crimson Wisps on Radiate Goblin Douche to draw all the cards, but how does that get it done in 2016? I’m talkin’ Urborg/Kormus Bell/Chaos Warp on Radiate Goblin Douche, baby. That’s how I do it! Sure, everyone expects you to Balduvian Rage your team for the win, but what about Instant-speed Personal Warp World for the lose? I won’t lie, I almost want to build this.

.     .     .     .     .

My!  That was lofty!  See y’all again soon, with some more silly deck ideas and general sass!

XO,

->Mr. P

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Once upon a time,
a few mistakes ago,
you read Mr. P’s writing
oops.