Oh hey! New set! It’s been awhile!

Wait, no it hasn’t! It was only like a month and a half ago that I was writing one of these stupid articles, and BOOM! New set, baby!

So what’s happened since then? Well first off, since that time everyone either decided that Tiny Leaders is the best format ever created, or they decided that Tiny Leaders is the largest, steamiest pile of a format they’ve ever played. That seems exciting. Apparently in the EDH alternate timeline, Sarkhan went back some number of years, created an alternate format that involves only small CMC Legends, trademarked that ass, and then watched it explode in popularity (and, at least around these parts, spectacularly flame out) in just a few months.

Crispy! Anyways, since I have nothing useful or positive to say about Tiny Leaders, I’m going to feel free to ignore it for now and also pretty much until end of time, or until someone goes back in time and creates an alternate EDH format that is actually worth playing. If you came here for Tiny Leaders content, sorry. Feel free to stop reading, and go ahead and call me bad names on Reddit if you like. Also, nice life.

Oh hey! That was right salty, Mr. P! Lofty! Let’s jump up on it and grab it like we want it! If you were Mr. P, baby, you would flaunt it! Ok then!

DEAD WHITE GHOST LADY

What is the most obvious thing you can do with it?

Mono-white counters matter? Good lord. Can this review start in a more depressing place?

How does it compare to previous generals?

Mono-white is always the saddest of colors, because it can’t draw cards and is only good at wiping the board, which is great if you have too much free time in your life and want to play EDH games that last a looooooong time. Is this the General that will allow you to RAWR people with your Mono-White thing? No, that was Ajani’s Dead Brother, who was printed two sets ago. Sorry!

What is the most interesting thing you can do with it?

Oh dear god. Mono-white Spiritcraft, with Tallowisp and bonus terrible Aura action? Do you want to die yet?

BLUE-(WHITE) NOT A CREATURE ANYMORE LADY

What is the most obvious thing you can do with it?

See how well your playgroup understands the “only planeswalkers that explicitly say they can be your General can be your General” rule? Why not?

How does it compare to previous generals?

Well, it’s not legal as your General, just like a lot of other cards that aren’t legal to be your General. In fact, since that subset includes every card in the history of Magic that isn’t a legendary creature or Generalwalker, let’s just say that it compares favorably to some cards (Animate Wall, Groffskithur, Goblin Swine-Rider), and compares unfavorably to others (Ancestral Recall, Moat, Island.)

What is the most interesting thing you can do with it?

(Checks price) Holy fudge! Look at the price on this thing! Sell it like you think it’s going to rot! Have fun!

BLACK SNAKE PERSON THING ZOMBIE TUTOR LADY

What is the most obvious thing you can do with it?

Living Death? Grave Pact effects? Mono-black oppression.deck? What fun!

How does it compare to previous generals?

It’s a non-symmetrical Mono-Black Tutor General! I hate it already! Boot it and toot it, baby!

What is the most interesting thing you can do with it?

Oh wow. It’s a Mono-Black Tutor General. Perhaps play a deck with every tutor printed, and no actually business cards? Peep this action, baby:

Turn 1: Fetchland, Expedition Map
Turn 2: Fetchland, crack Expedition Map finding Thawing Glaciers
Turn 3: Thawing Glaciers, Demonic Tutor for Vampiric Tutor
Turn 4: Terramorphic Expanse, crack, activate Thawing Glaciers, Vampiric Tutor for Corpse Connoisseur
Turn 5: Corpse Connoisseur, finding Rune-Scarred Demon
Turn 6: this thing, sacrificing Corpse Connoisseur to find Grim Tutor
Etc…

Do you have a special feeling yet?

RED SAD THING

What is the most obvious thing you can do with it?

Dwarves Warriors? Tawnos’s Wand? Break Through The Line? Give it Firebreathing and Double Strike and one-shot people with General damage?

Hey, guess what you’re not doing with it? Blocking.

How does it compare to previous generals?

Interestingly (sort of), the previous general this compares most to is Isamaru, who is not very good but can be a semi-effective “General Damage Voltron” General for people who play in metagames where people don’t block and/or hate themselves. Tight! Aside from that, this thing seems awful and everybody know it now. Is this Legacy playable? [Looks around hopefully.]

What is the most interesting thing you can do with it?

Ring My Bell! Boom! Theme deck contest time, baby!

Srsly, who doesn’t want to ring my bell? Certainly no one I’d ever want to have anything to do with! Hey, tell you what: you ring my bell, and I’ll send you…something. (FULL DISCLOSURE: I’ll give it Cass, and he’ll send it to you. If you are waiting for me to mail you something, prepare to be waiting for a long ass time, baby! I suck!)

That’s right, the First (and, God willing, last) GDC Ring Mr. P’s Bell Contest just happened! The person that ships me the best “Ring My Bell” deck will win something that will most likely make you wish you’d never heard of the Internet. Boom shakalaka! Hit me at GeneralDamageControl(at)Gmail(dot)com.

GREEN SCUMMY THING

What is the most obvious thing you can do with it?

SUPER AGGRO GO GO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!RAWR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How does it compare to previous generals?

Um, it’s super aggro go go go? Rawr?

What is the most interesting thing you can do with it?

Ummmmmmmm…SUPER AGGRO GO GO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!RAWR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(You knew it was coming, right?)

WHITE GREEN DUMB THING

What is the most obvious thing you can do with it?

Someone on here (Dave, maybe?) was talking about Green-White Storm Combo EDH. Oh look, your general!

How does it compare to previous generals?

Green White isn’t exactly picking up a lot of new ground here by getting some giant dumb thing to be in charge (see Krond the Dawn-Clad and the previous iteration of this thing as other examples of this.) Is the ability to hose counters/removal/Cyclonic Rift that important? Who cares! It’s Green White Dumb thing!

What is the most interesting thing you can do with it?

I’m kinda into the idea of Green-White Storm, to be honest, although the possibility of this thing into Aluren into infinite Storm via Stonecloaker or Whitemane Lion seems kinda sad. In other news, cilantro still tastes like butt.

WHITE BLUE SNEAKY THING

What is the most obvious thing you can do with it?

Play some ultraconventional Blue-White control thing? Seriously, what else are you going to do here?

How does it compare to previous generals?

Better than either Isperia? Probably. Better than Grand Arbiter? No, but less specifically oppressive. Better than Medomai? Probably not, but maybe. Is this going to be an interesting General to play against? Ha!

What is the most interesting thing you can do with it?

Blue-white! Card draw! Counters! Cyclonic Rift overloaded! Extra turns! Capsize with buyback! Deadeye Navigator! Palinc……..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

BLUE BLACK I GOT YOUR MAN SCUMMY THING

What is the most obvious thing you can do with it?

I got a man!

How does it compare to previous generals?

What’s your man got to do with me?

What is the most interesting thing you can do with it?

I ain’t trying to hear that, see!

BLACK RED UNPLAYABLE IN EDH THING

What is the most obvious thing you can do with it?

Run it as your general anyways, because why not! Run Lethal Vapors, then try to convince people that that “combo” somehow works to kill your man and face you for 10 (HINT: it doesn’t.) Weep softly in the corner.

How does it compare to previous generals?

I’m pretty sure Wizards printed this card exclusively as a giant “taste it!” to all the various tossers who have endlessly written (or parroted) the idea that anything that Wizards prints that costs more than 4 is an “EDH card.” Ha! See! Wee can print unplayable crap for ALL formats! Lookout!

What is the most interesting thing you can do with it?

Are we at critical mass on a 5-color “This Does Nothing in EDH” deck yet? You have the entire Shrine cycle from Odyssey, this thing, a bunch of crap like Pyromancer Ascension and Clarion Ultimatum, and GOOD LORD WHY AM I WRITING THIS?

RED GREEN SWEATY RAWR THING

What is the most obvious thing you can do with it?

Hey, that’s a huge RAWR thing you’ve got there! Nice one! I lose!

How does it compare to previous generals?

So, do you run this in your Xenagod deck, or do you run Xenagod in your Sweaty RAWR thing deck? That seems to really be the only important question here. Also, take 16 in the air.

What is the most interesting thing you can do with it?

It’s not too much of a stretch to posit that pretty much every deck involving this guy is going to be some combination of Haste effects, Trample effects, huge things, and value Equipment. Hey, you know what? Sometimes you can’t fight the inevitable. Have fun with that, ok?

Obligatory “comment this” pandering! Also, see you in two weeks the next time a new set comes out!

XO,
->Mr. P
@thingsMrPthinks
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I’m too hot! Hot damn! Call the police and the fire man! I’m to hot! No, for reals! I’m too hot!

Mr. P is too hot.