White Jail Man

What is the most obvious thing you can do with it?

Wow! Nice starting point! This thing is terrible!

How does it compare to previous generals?

Mono white has a long history of terrible Legends. Meet the newest member of that pantheon.

What is the most interesting thing you can do with it?

Well, since the whole point of it is to surprise people, and since if you play it as your General you’re going to surprise people with it approximately never, I would imagine the most interesting thing you could do with it is never actually cast it, in hopes that it will act as a (really terrible) rattlesnake for the entire game. Can you sucker people into actually believing this? Have fun finding out! Who needs to actually play their General anyways?

Savannah Lions Livin’ The Dream

What is the most obvious thing you can do with it?

So my favorite thing to not order at the Chinese restaurant has always been ‘Pork Cooked Twice’, because I love how non-descriptively descriptive the name is. I’d like my pork steamed and then boiled, please! Delectable!

So anyways, this guy is ‘General Damage Two Ways’.

(Yes, I came up with that connection all on my own. I wish I could figure out a way to let y’all spend time inside Mr. P’s brain. It’s nice in here, yo.)

How does it compare to previous generals?

I won’t lie, this thing seems real, real bad, but what do I know? I’m pretty cold on Planeswalkers in general in EDH (see pretty much every other article I’ve ever written), and working extra hard to get an indestructible 4/4 groundpounder seems like something I look forward to never doing.

What is the most interesting thing you can do with it?

Trade it! Trade it right now! Good lord!

Sphinxy Man Guy

What is the most obvious thing you can do with it?

Quick! Mad cheats! Name everyone’s General! Ha! Dig my mad cheats, baby!

How does it compare to previous generals?

So this thing costs 1000000 mana, which means you’re not naming any of their early stuff, and then if you don’t name their removal spell it’s a pretty high probability that this thing is just going to eat their removal spell, so there’s that. I suppose the best use for this is as some sort of later-game delay tactic for their 8-Mana Game Ender. I won’t lie, I expect people to play this a lot in their ‘Blue Annoying’ thing, but I don’t expect it to be the General that often.

What is the most interesting thing you can do with it?

How annoying can we make ‘Blue Annoying’, just off the top of my head?  Well, you probably want some combination of ">March of the Machines, ">Mycosynth Lattice, and ">Null Rod. Maybe a ">Stasis/">Forsaken City, just ’cause? Can I interest you in Pickles Lock? No? Ok then! Let’s keep it fresh with a side of ">Possessed Portal and ">Omen Machine! Oh dang! Did you know the card ">Mana Breach existed? Are you annoyed just looking at it? I am! Wait, why not double down with ">Storm Cauldron? My god! How about now, can I interest you in that Pickles Lock yet? Sold!

Blue Annoying, now with Sphinx Man Guy! Dig it!

I hate myself.

Blue Flippy

What is the most obvious thing you can do with it?

Loot it and toot it!

How does it compare to previous generals?

Hey, do you want a Legendary looter who turns into a relatively crappy Mill Planeswalker? Welcome to the party!

What is the most interesting thing you can do with it?

Holy smokes! Trade this crap while you still can!

Demon Friend

What is the most obvious thing you can do with it?

Removal.dec? Kill your guy, draw a removal spell, kill your guy? Is there a card that gives you mana when a creature dies? Has the price of Black Market spiked yet? (Checks) Oh dang!

How does it compare to previous generals?

I won’t lie, this is the new General I am feeling most positive about, in that it is Big and Dumb, and has built-in draw engine. In fact, I already have plans to put this into rotation as the General of my Mono-Black thing (replacing Xiahou Dun, the One-Eyed in the rotation that also includes Chainer, Dementia Master and Balthor the Defiled.)

What is the most interesting thing you can do with it?

So my friend Shawn had this idea once to build “Suicide Black” deck that operated under the premise that in a terrible game, it could “opt out” in a variety of creative ways (“Time Stretch Reiterated with Buyback, huh? No worries! In response, Spoils of the Vault naming Trade Secrets. GG, noob!”) I believe another plan involved Blood Celebrant and Wall of Blood, both of which allow you to get the Turn 1 Lose if you have Dark Ritual. Tight! Having played many games with Dark Prophecy in play, I enjoy the tension that comes from getting value from dudes dying, with the knowledge that it will eventually also take you out. Flavor! Functionality! This seems good all around.

Flippy Lili

What is the most obvious thing you can do with it?

It’s pretty clear that the most obvious thing to do with this involves Grave Pact effects, and sac outlets. Please raise your hand if this concept already bores you. (Raises hand.)

How does it compare to previous generals?

I’m not super impressed, but what do I know? The flip condition seems pretty easy to meet, and since she costs 3, you’ll undoubtedly be able to play her several times during a game (although that applies to all of the flippys.) If you ever do get her to to go critical, her coupon is pretty annoying, especially since you can’t interact with it. I’d also like to point out that ‘Turn 2 Rest in Peace‘ tools this card like nobody’s business, so there’s that.

What is the most interesting thing you can do with it?

Hey, SCG is pre-selling this thing at 25 smackers! Tight! Quick, ship it like it’s hot!

Mom and Dad

What is the most obvious thing you can do with it?

Apparently Red is the new mono-Artifacts color, and that’s cool, I guess. Welcome to the party!

How does it compare to previous generals?

I won’t lie, I can’t for the life of me figure out why you play this as the general of your Mono-Artifacts deck when they just printed a much better Mono-Artifacts general like two releases ago (that would be Daretti, Scrap Savant for those of y’all who don’t appreciate my cleverly obtuse references.) That said, I have recently adapted my vernacular specifically so that I can now refer to token creatures as “babies” without thinking about it. Ambition! Go me! The prospect that Mom and Dad come in and immediately makes two babies seems pretty swell from a Making Obnoxious Jokes standpoint, and I know a thing or two about making obnoxious jokes. Lookout!

What is the most interesting thing you can do with it?

‘World of Pings’, now with fewer colors? This thing plus Super Haste (In the Web of War) plus Super Haste Ogre (Ogre Battledriver for ’16DamageOutOfNowhere.dec’? I have no idea.

Red Flippy

What is the most obvious thing you can do with it?

I’m not entirely sure, other than that it probably runs some combination of Furnace of Wrath, Gratuitous Violence, and Curse of Bloodletting in hopes of ever getting this thing to turn into something other than a three mana Legendary Goblin Fireslinger.

How does it compare to previous generals?

Maybe you like hoop-jumping? Meet your new project.

What is the most interesting thing you can do with it?

World of Pings, now with fewer colors? I see that prices on this thing are already working on tanking, and I don’t see any reason why not.

So hey, time to trade this while you still can! SELL SELL SELL, yo! It’s bad!

Hard to Pronounce Elf Lady Person

What is the most obvious thing you can do with it?

Elf Douche.deck!

(Here’s a fun alternate question: name A SINGLE OTHER THING YOU CAN DO WITH IT.)

How does it compare to previous generals?

Elves are certainly good in Legacy. Are they good in EDH? Well, you already have Eladamri, Lord of Leaves if you’re Cass and want to endlessly nonbo with your own Timberwatch Elf and Immaculate Magistrate (sorry, dude) (Deserved! – Cass), or Rhys the Redeemed if you want to make that deck, or Nath of the Gilt Leaf if you want to play Sadistic Hypnotist and suck the fun right out of everything. So is this a better Elves general than any of those? Probably not! Moving on!

What is the most interesting thing you can do with it?

Back when I was in college and was oh so angsty, I used to save the terrible papers I would write using oh so angsty file names, because the 1990s, yo. So anyways, this one time I wrote some horrendous paper about macroeconomics, or film theory, or smut, or whatever, and I creatively named it “I Hate Myself” because Nine Inch Nails, yo.

But here’s the thing! Sometimes, you mean to type “I Hate Myself”, and you accidentally hit the space bar instead of the “s”, and then you type “I Hate My elf”, which means you accidentally came up with the single best file name of all time.

I don’t miss college at all.

So can we make I Hate My Elf a reality? For reals, maybe something involving Lifeline and Fecundity and a bunch of suicidal Elves? Seriously, how big can you get your Elvish Vanguard if the rest of the team is constantly biting it and then coming back for more at EOT? Isn’t this the sort of question people lose sleep over? For reals, somebody build this!

Green Flippy

What is the most obvious thing you can do with it?

Hey, green ramp! What a novel concept!

How does it compare to previous generals?

Do you actually want your lands to be dudes? Well, if you do, there’s a lot of opportunities to make them into dudes of a variety of sizes starting from Alpha-up until this thing. Back in 1993, the concept of making all of your Forests into 1/1s seemed awful, and it still does. Living Plane from Legends at least let you also ruin your opponents life by making ALL lands into crappy dudes. Eventually, they decided to make animated lands 2/2 for whatever reason, although both Ambush Commander and Life and Limb take it back to the bad old days of 1/1s. God, this mechanic is terrible (although I used to win a lot of games in Standard by casting Rude Awakening entwined, so there’s that.)

So anyways, about the time that Scars of Mirrodin happened, they suddenly decided that the key to making this mechanic slightly less-terrible was to make the animated lands huge (Liege of the Tangle says “hi!”), so that you only had to spend one turn ducking Wrath effects before murdering everyone. Tight!

So is this thing any good? I have no idea! At first pass, the idea of flipping this in order to make a 4/4 groundpounder seems bad, and the idea of turning a bunch of lands into dudes seems…ok? (The fact that you untap them means that you will actually get an attack with them, although the fact that this is a Planeswalker ability means that you’re never going to surprise anyone with it, even with Doubling Season out.) I reckon that once you flip this thing, the best thing to do is probably just endlessly +1 it until it gets blown up, and then start over.

Is this better than Titania, Protector of Argoth in any possible way? Good point!

What is the most interesting thing you can do with it?

Oh snap! $30 on SCG! Boom! Mr. P needs a new pair of shoes!

 

~Bonus extra valuetown-Mr. P’s comprehensive set review of Magic Origins!~

 

Hey! Howzabout a set review! Here’s my asskicking set review for Magic Origins:

Magic Origins is a new set. It has new cards in it. Some of the cards are good. You’ll probably play some of them in your EDH decks.

Boom! Lofty! Put that shit on SCG and watch people get tight, yo! Lookout Reddit, I just wrote the definitive set review of all time! Quick, somebody hashtag this with #tinyleaders so that people will actually read it!

See y’all at GenCon, yo.

XO,

->Mr. P

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Mr. P is so fancy. You already know.