(DISCLAIMER: This is not personal. I am not talking about you specifically. The only person I am talking about specifically in this article is Mr. P. Don’t take this personally unless you have reason to.)

Hey, did you read Cassidy’s article from Friday? Go read that!

Ok! So, maybe some of the things he said don’t apply to you. Maybe some of the things he said offended you. It’s all good. Mr. P loves you, baby!

(For reals! I was originally going to write this article as a comment on Cass’s article, but I don’t want to deprive any of y’all of this gold! Lookout!)

So it’s possible that your metagame has been completely invaded by new people who have a different point of view than you. Maybe you’ve experienced an influx of ‘noobs’ who haven’t figured out anything about the social contract, or playing fairly, or any of that crap.

So here’s what you should do: after they finish you off with the good ol’ reliable, tell them what an asshole they are. Mock them for playing an archetypal deck – use the word “boring” a lot, and then complain loudly to your friends about what an idiot they are, and about how this store was so much better before all the “kids” showed up. (NOTE: you need to say the word “kids” really derisively, to make sure they get that you are taking about them, not the mature adult that you are.)

Then maybe go angrily smoke a cigarette. Congratulations, you just defended the social contract!

Oh wait, that’s not what I meant to say. What I meant to say was, DON’T DO THAT EVER.

Am I guilty of the behavior I just described? Absolutely. 100%. (I made some shitty comment to a Kaalia of the Vast player like a week ago after he slid in Avacyn, Angel of Hope on turn 4.) For all my talk about how fun-loving and jovial I am, I also recognize that I’m a total fucking hypocrite. I want to have fun, and I’m very protective of my fun, and when someone ruins my fun I respond like the petulant child I am; by whining and crying and throwing a giant fucking temper tantrum because my fucking panties are all in a fucking twist.

Wait, what’s the point of this article again? Oh right. Ok, so here’s the thing; all of your temper tantrums and saltiness are doing approximately jack shit to in any way “fix” the problems in your local metagame. If you want to actually improve things, try this:

Be nice.

The next time you have to play against some annoying Kaalia deck, do your best to lighten the fuck up and have some fun, ok? Sure, you’ll probably lose to it, but here’s the thing; most people (at least somewhat) care about the experience they are having. If you sit down at a table all salty, and then proceed to get grouchier and saltier every time something happens, you’re not really doing much work to convince the table of anything other than the fact that you’re a cantankerous douche. Sure, maybe there are some people out there who will be so impressed by your cantankerous douchitude that they will want to sit down with you afterwards for a nice chat about how to play the format “correctly,” but there are WAY more people who will look at your behavior, conclude that you’re a dick, and then do their best to avoid having anything to do with you.

If you want to actually teach those people anything, teach them that you can have a good time playing EDH. Teach them that the most satisfying thing is not to do something that wins the game, but something that makes everyone at the table smile. Make some fucking jokes, yo!  Most people appreciate the social aspect of the game, and modeling good behavior and dignity is way more effective than thinking that your grouchiness is going to accomplish anything.

Be nice.

XO,
->Mr. P
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Mr. P complained about being attacked by a Master of Cruelties AND said something snarky about the Mono-Green deck last night. Maybe he should take his own advice. Just sayin’. Also, pain don’t hurt.